Tough stuff to share…

Through my battle with Myasthenia Gravis there are things I don’t like to share. Things I don’t want people to see or hear but, this week has been rough. One of the symptoms that I struggle with is a feeling of “impending doom”. It’s hard to describe and share how I truly feel. This feeling is not every day. It comes at random times and when it hits it does not play. I feel like I am going to die, at any given moment.

This past Tuesday when I woke up I knew it was not going to be a good day. My first thought when I hit my alarm clock was – I am not going to be here for Adam’s graduation. I know that this is not real. It is not me, it is not how I am made but it is debilitating. I refuse to give in to it so I do my best to ignore it. I got dressed and cried because in my mind I was going to die while having a bad hair day. I prayed for strength to fight this demon. I get in the car and start to back out the driveway when I have to stop and pray away the fear of dying in a car wreck. For the past couple of months to conserve energy and keep people from worrying about me I have been riding with a friend from work. I meet her at her house. On Tuesday when I got in her car Donna looked at me and said “How’s it going?” I cry again and have to explain what’s going on. Donna is ever the optimist and said “It’s going to be a great day today!” I get to work and cry because my pen ran out of ink. I’m not sure how that was going to kill me but whatever! I go to the bathroom and decide I’m going to die in the bathroom at DDEAMC because I might fall and hit my head. Jeepers! It was an all day affair of fear, prayer, fear, prayer. I think I prayed so much Jesus even said “It’s her AGAIN?”

I’m driving home from Donna’s house and Kathryn calls. We are talking when she makes a joke and I…yep you guessed it…burst into tears. Since getting diagnose with MG I have been so worried about my kids not being effected by this that I had not shared with Kathryn this part of the process. She took it better than I thought and assured me everything would be fine. She had no clue I dealt with this. I think she was speechless when I told her I cried about possibly hitting my head on the toilet and dying. After a long pause she said it you die that way I am putting it in your obituary. Note to self, I must die in a non dramatic fashion. 😂😂

I get home, pick up Mama and we go to vote. I see one of Kathryn’s life long friends who asks me how I am doing. At this point I can’t cover up the fact I’ve been crying all day. I look at Rozina and tell her that i am not having a good day. Her response is jumping up from her chair and embracing me in a huge hug in which she tells me she loves me and it will be ok. Well, that made me tear up even more! That small gesture meant more than she will ever know.

I finally make it home and Adam had come in from the State Championship Golf Tournament he played in on Monday & Tuesday. They didn’t place anywhere near first but they had fun. The team played in the pouring down rain and he made memories. He made me smile when he came home talking a mile a minute because that is rare. We talked for a bit and i went to bed.

When I woke up on Wednesday morning just as quickly as it had appeared it was gone. I felt good mentally and physically. I know it’s long and boring but I want people to know that sometime I simply cannot say that I’m doing good. Some days just stink and there is nothing you nor I can do about it.

I am not scared of dying at all. I have peace in knowing I will be with Jesus. I know that I will be healed in the heavenly fashion. However I would love to see Adam graduate tomorrow, meet my grandchildren (no she is not pregnant) and grow old with Tal like we planned. But let’s face it; we are not promised tomorrow. So, as for now I am making the most of each day I spend here on this earth. I do know what I am promised; eternal like with an Almighty God! How exciting is that? It reminds me of a song that I love to sing:

There is coming a day,
When no heart aches shall come,
No more clouds in the sky,
No more tears to dim the eye,
All is peace forever more,
On that happy golden shore,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

What a day that will be,
When my Jesus I shall see,
And I look upon His face,
The One who saved me by His grace;
When He takes me by the hand,
And leads me through the Promised Land,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

There’ll be no sorrow there,
No more burdens to bear,
No more sickness, no pain,
No more parting over there;
And forever I will be,
With the One who died for me,
What a day, glorious day that will be.

And what a day that will be but for now I will keep praying and plugging along!

Thanks for reading ~ Melynda

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5 Responses to Tough stuff to share…

  1. Patty says:

    Melynda thank you for sharing! I pray today that you find Faith over fear. You are such a strong woman and healthy on so many levels where others are not. Thank you again for sharing your words ReSound with me throughout the day as I too look for two one-day meeting sweet Jesus and All His glory. An extra prayer for you and for your children as it goes through this transition for what they were yesterday and what we will become tomorrow. Much love, your Forever friend, Patty

  2. Lisa Walton says:

    You are an inspiration. Thank you for taking the time to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, and always doing it with your sense of humor. You show the rest of us how we should take up our cross and carry on when the storms of life roll our way. Thank you!

  3. Elaine wilkie says:

    Melynda you are one of the strongest people I know. I really admire you and the strength you have going through this. I hate you have all these problems at such a young age. I am glad that you are such a strong Christian and know that our Lord and Savior are always with you. If there is anything I can do please let me know. I love you all

  4. Grace says:

    you are such an inspiration to everyone who knows you.

  5. Telisha Edmond says:

    You are truly an amazing woman I love you ❤️! I look at you every time and I say God thank you for allowing my family and I the opportunity to meet such a wonderful person. I see the manifestation of God healing your body. The things that you go through with MG have been truly amazing to me to see because you are such a fighter! You continue to put your best foot forward! God sees you where you are. You are the vessel that he chose to use and I think that you are doing great. I love you and your family so much! Thanks for being yourself!

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