This past week has been one of frustration, tears & just simply asking The Lord to bless those who are caring for me. I am sad. I hate this disease but I know that God has a plan. I know that his plan when it unfolds will be better than my wildest dreams but I am completely frustrated in my flesh. I just spent 5 days in the hospital in a room with a toilet that comes out from under the sink, no hot water and no place for my family to come visit comfortably. Five lonely days with a tv, iPad & iPhone. The phone would have been great if I could have talked to people but my voice & my breathe that is what was effected. Yes, for those of you that know how much I like to talk, I couldn’t. As if getting short of breath in my car by myself on my way to work and having to turn around to try to get to an area that I could tell 911 where I was at if I stopped breathing wasn’t enough. I was in the hospital and couldn’t breathe, couldn’t mash the nurse call and was struggling to breath in an ICU unit. I was trying to make eye contact with one of the nurses buzzing around to let them know I couldn’t breathe or move. Finally, it seemed like forever but I know it wasn’t, a nurse looked at me and I had enough energy to mouth out – I can’t breathe. She had a perplexed look and came to the bedside and asked “what’s wrong?” I opened my mouth to garbled gibberish. She instantly called for help. What if I was in my car? What if 911 heard that? What if the police thought I was drunk? I would NOT be here typing this now that’s for sure. I have cried a lot this week because of those what ifs. God’s plan is far greater.
Here’s the rest of the story, about 2 minutes after the nurses started scrambling my mama and her sister walk up. I sureLy hated scaring my mama but she & my Aunt Mary were my voice when I didn’t have one. They were able to tell the nurses what was going on, all of my history and keep me off of a ventilator. One of the doctors came to the bedside and started asking me questions. I could see the “Peggy Jean” popping out of my Mama. She was letting it roll. All I could do was let my tears roll to let them know I was scared and worn out. The nurses were wonderful and did their job. The respiratory therapists were great also. They put me on the bipap machine that forces air into your lungs to make you breathe. Once they started that I was able to just surrender and sleep knowing I would be ok. Who lives like that? It stinks to feel that way. The whole time in my mind I ask The Lord to forgive me where I have failed him and to bless those taking care of me. I want to be around to see both of my children grown, I want to be around to see my grandchildren. I want to grow old with my husband like we planned. Long story short, God has plans for us & it doesn’t matter what we have planned. His plan is always better than ours. This by far has been the hardest blog post to write because I have struggled with how to be positive when actually I am scared and I am sad. I am fighting a battle that this week I feel like I am not prepared for. I am struggling. I am cranky. I don’t know what to do. I had a new port put in and I am very sore so I have a hard time getting comfortable. I didn’t let anyone really know I was in the hospital because I hate the thought of anyone seeing me this way but guess what it’s real, I’m real, I’m perfectly imperfect just like God my creator made me. I felt like you needed to read about the bad as well as the good. We all have down times. I have missed my family, my work family, my church family, my puppy – 5 days of life passed by without me: Five days I can’t get back. I really shouldn’t look at it that way but I have. As the kids say, the struggle is real.
No matter what you are going through, we all have struggles. Some are worse than others but at the time in our lives, OUR struggles seem the worse. Here’s some advice I’m need to take myself – GIVE IT TO GOD COMPLETELY! That’s my problem right there, the very last word – completely. I obviously haven’t given it to Him and let Him be my focus. I have let Myasthenia Gravis be my focus. Today is a new day, it’s Sunday and I cannot wait for church. I need renewal in The Word. Our pastor tends to know just what I need to hear and I’m excited about today. Today, I am Melynda Poss, child of The One True King, not sufferer of Myasthenia Gravis.
My apologies on being negative at first but it’s the real me. A lor of times, no actually every time someone asks I say “I’m ok” even when I’m not. God gave me this platform to inspire. How can you inspire if you can’t live it out fully? Like I said previously, I’m perfectly imperfect just the way God made me. The hymn that is currently running through my head is a hard one to live out but starting today I am going to try no matter what the consequences. That hymn goes like this: All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to Thee my Blessed Savior, I surrender all.
Thank you for reading. ~Melynda